In order to truly be free from social restrictions, you have to step outside your comfort zone. You must face your fears.
Two ways that I have faced my fear of social rejection is by using two techniques called:
• Fear-attacking
• Shame-attacking (Albert Ellis, 1955)
Attacking Fear
Jumping off a cliff
I didn’t know it, but I began attacking my fear at an early age.
At age 4, my father threw me in the lake and said, “Sink or swim.”
At age eight, my father forced me to jump off a forty foot cliff. I remember hitting the water and it felt like concrete. In hindsight, I’m glad I did it for bragging rights, but other than that I have no desire to do it ever again.
Jumping off something higher than a cliff
In 2011, I met two people who went skydiving. Since I was on a mission to self-improve, I decided I was going to go skydiving, too. I must have been terrified as I waited to board the plane because I was speechless and I am hardly ever at a loss for words. I remember staring down at a lot of empty space between me and planet Earth. Before I knew it the instructor was saying, “One, two…” and on “three” we were plummeting toward the dirt. The air hit me with such force that I couldn’t catch my breath except for intermittent gasps. I thought my ear drums would burst and the only thought I can remember thinking was, “What the hell am I doing!” Finally, the parachute opened. We landed. I was glad. I made up for my previous silence with squeals and hugs and “Thank you, God, I’m alive!” The next three weeks I walked around sounding — to me — like I was talking underwater for the pressure in my ears had done something unexplainable.
All I have to say is… … experiment over.
Something more terrifying than jumping out of a plane
The most important way I attacked my fear was by joining a running group. I am a quiet person. I like to spend large amounts of time reveling in the quiet of my mind; however, I recognized that I was becoming disconnected from people, experiencing emotional atrophy. As a way to become emotionally malleable, I decided to try a technique I learned in a graduate school course called submersion, which is essentially throwing yourself into a situation you dread.
What are two social situations I dread?
• Large-scale social interaction
• Idle chit-chat
There is no better way for me to waste time than standing around saying things like, “So, how’s the weather … and the game last night … and I love your boob job.”
At the time of my first group run, I was 33-years-old, but I felt like I was 5. I said my “hellos” as the other group members arrived and then I tried to be non-exist. At the end of the run, I stretched, while keeping my head down, eyes averted. I fled the scene while other runners stayed behind to socialize and sip lattes. Despite my reservations, I soon became part of the running culture by attending events at least three times a week. My running time improved immensely and I was becoming comfortable with the social atmosphere. I was running half-marathons, attending weekend hiking expeditions, and engaging in frivolous conversation at house parties.
The Silver Lining
It was during this period in my journey of self-exploration that I realized pleasing other people is not my job and alienating myself is not worth the expended energy required to maintain that type of social façade. The experience was an invaluable lesson in learning to control my fear, but even better it was a step toward learning to like myself. The point is I think it is good to step outside your comfort zone. Fear is only an emotion. If you focus, you can separate your thoughts from your emotions and feel them as two separate entities. For example, say I am introduced to someone and reflexively experience the fear of rejection. To overcome my fear, what I would do is: 1.) Pause to find my center, my calm 2.) Literally feel the negative emotion and accept it for what it is … an emotion 3.) Tell myself, “Fear is an emotion. You are not in danger. Emotions cannot hurt you, so think your way through it. It is temporary. It will pass. And no one else can see that you are experiencing anxiety unless you tell them.” Then I would focus on a reasonable rationalization, such as “He is human. He defecates just like me and most likely drools in his sleep or scratches his b#ll$ while watching football. What do I have to be afraid of?”
The conclusion?
I overcame my fear, but I also realized my limitations.
The moral of my story?
Step outside your box. Keep in mind that you are going to fail a few times, but keep practicing until your fear is a passive passenger. If you feel like you are not living up to your full potential try adding something unfamiliar — and emotionally healthy — to your lifestyle; you just might like it.
Attacking Shame
I wish I had met Albert Ellis. The first time I heard about attacking shame was during graduate school. Yet again, Dr. Albert Ellis helped me confront my insecurity. Yes, in a way he improved the quality of my life. If it was anyone’s right to be a debt-collector of kind acts, I would owe him many. As I read through my text book, I was regaled with a tale of how the good doctor went into a pharmacy and asked — quite loudly — if he could get a discount on a gross of condoms since he used them frequently. Albert Ellis developed the shame-attacking technique, because he felt that shame is at the epicenter of all emotional disturbance.
I agree.
Society teaches us to be ashamed of certain behaviors and the expectations change based on the social shift. For example, divorce and homosexuality used to be extreme indiscretions, but society at this time has a “live and let live” mentality. And then there are the socially unacceptable acts that are petty….
A Single Story of Silliness
In 2007, I decided I was done being socially acceptable. I was on a dinner date. As we were leaving the restaurant, I was about to throw my drink in the trash when my date said with disdain, “Aren’t you going to finish the rest of that?” Because I was emotionally insecure with a poor self-esteem, I finished my drink while he stood there watching me and we left. Yes, the memory is embarrassing if you are wondering. That incident and my timidity grated on my nerves. I must have pushed it just to the side of my conscience for the next time we met for lunch, I stopped by the market and picked out three packets of assorted herbal tea. When I got to the restaurant we sat at an outside table. When the server came I asked for a glass of hot water. The server stared at me in disbelief. The outside temperature was over 90 degrees. “Yes, you heard me correctly. I want a glass of hot water,” I smiled, fanning myself to illustrate the ludicrousy. Then I proceeded to order Key Lime pie, a large salad, an appetizer, and an entrée, all for myself. Then when the food came amassed on all sides of the table, I ate hardly any of it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t bring myself to drink the boiling tea — the heat index was too hot for it. I smiled at my date willing him to say something. He said nothing, but I remember his rigid posture and the way he hid his eyes behind his sunglasses. He was mortified at his socially unacceptable friend.
Two years later in a grad school course, I learned about Albert Ellis’s technique. Thank you, Dr. Ellis, for validating my socially unacceptable individuating experiment.
Since learning from Dr. Ellis’s teachings, I have so wanted to pull another socially unacceptable stunt, but I want the idea to be really good. I’ve thought about picking my nose in a public restaurant or wearing an all-white outfit covered by a scarlet set of panties and bra. I ran the bra idea by one of my supervisors and he said I might get thrown in jail. I think it would be an injustice to throw someone in jail just because they were wearing their clothes in improper order, but I’m still thinking on that one.
End Game
Somewhere between then and now, I decided to enjoy being me, because what’s the worst that could happen?
People may not like me? Gasp!
In what ways have you attacked your shame?
Do you have suggestions for fear or shame-attacking techniques?
New Zen Vigor 
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