Save Your Relationship by Stopping This Cycle.

Have you heard the expression ‘familiarity breeds contempt’? Have you ever started out enjoying another person’s company until one day…you just didn’t? Maybe you had a disagreement, or you observed a bad habit, or a bad attitude, and then suddenly the person you once liked is someone you now dislike? Well, this behavioral phenomenon happens all the time; in fact, at some point it will happen in every relationship. This phenomenon is called “the dreaded mental filter.”

What are Mental Filters?

Mental filters are perceptions that we place on others (or ourselves) to avoid and deny reality. For example, if we like someone, we may view them as a “saint” and if we dislike someone then we may view them as a “villain”. Of course, this isn’t realistic, healthy, or fair, because all humans have character strengths or weaknesses and depending on our value systems, we may choose to view someone as a saint or a villain depending on whether or not they agree or disagree with us. To one person, the ‘observed target’ is right, while to another person, perhaps ‘the observed target’ is wrong. Therefore, it’s important to assess a person for both their character strengths and weaknesses in an impartial and objective manner. This action and choice of assessing both strengths and weaknesses to find a middle ground is called “balance.” Ideally, balance is important to achieve in all areas of life.

To achieve balance, we must be aware…so how can we be aware of the times we are applying an unfair mental filter?

Becoming Aware of Mental Filters in Relationships

1. If you’re in the beginning of relationship (e.g. romantic, platonic, workplace), get to know your partner’s MBTI personality type. Be honest about each other’s strengths/weaknesses. Discuss how your strengths/weaknesses have affected your past relationships in both positive and negative ways.
2. Don’t be afraid to talk about weaknesses. Everyone has weaknesses. By discussing your weaknesses, you can create solutions. Also, discussing weaknesses will strengthen your relationship, because once your partner is aware and understands your weaknesses, he/she can agree to help you by being a part of the solution. And you can agree to help him/her…this is called partnership. Don’t fear the change of self-improvement; instead embrace self-improvement as self-empowerment.
3. Be realistic. Pedestals set partners up for failure. Don’t put your partner on a pedestal. Expect your partner — at multiple points in time — to fail in words, behavior, or action. Be supportive and understanding when your partner fails, because mistakes and failure happen. Caveat: Abusive, intentional disrespect is non-negotiable.
4. Provide grace and forgiveness those times either of you are not your best self. Everyone will have bad days. Communicate with each other when you are having a bad day, so that you don’t inflict harm on your partner due to your bad mood.

How Can We Be Aware of Mental Filters Concerning Ourselves?

Oftentimes it’s difficult to see ourselves the way others see us. Oftentimes it’s difficult to admit our faults to ourselves, because we don’t like to feel guilty, ashamed, or even inconvenienced.

Here is an example of how to be aware of when we are blinded or ignorant to our own mental filters.

Example: If you view yourself and your life and say something like “My life sucks” or “I suck”, then be aware that you are having these negative thoughts. Try to catch yourself having negative, unproductive thoughts and then set out to prove yourself wrong by investigating your life. Be your own lawyer in your own court. Examine your life for examples of how your life does not suck and why you do not suck. Make a list of what “actually sucks” (e.g. dissatisfying career, unhappy marriage, insufficient funds) and what “does not suck” (e.g. good health, loving children, cute puppy, loyal friends, vacation time, transportation, nice wardrobe). Once you’ve identified the problem areas you can decide what you want to do to change your life to eliminate the problem areas.

And what about if you think someone else “sucks”? First, investigate your interactions with the person to verify why you are having this negative thought about the person. Second, identify if your thought is fact or fiction. Third, if the thought is a fact, then counterbalance the thought by searching for a memory when the person was someone that elicited positive thoughts, because no one is a villain all the time, just like no one is a saint all the time. Fourth, if the thought is tied to an observation that is a fact, then compassionately confront the person to understand why they are behaving in an unpleasant way. Maybe you can help them; maybe you can’t. Maybe they will care to change their behavior; maybe they won’t. Maybe you will find resolution and develop a stronger relationship or maybe you will dissolve the relationship, which will leave room to build better relationships.

Regardless of the situation, in all situations, be fair and be realistic. Ask the investigative questions to understand if your mental filter is affecting your ability to see reality, so then you can create balance by removing the filter so that you can see yourself (or someone else) clearing for all that they are — both negative and positive.

What are questions you can ask to determine whether or not you are being fair and realistic about another person, yourself, or a situation?

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