The Dating Interview

I have lost count the number of times a man has said to me, “What is this? An interview?” 😆 I think those guys have also watched one too many Disney Princess stories. OF COURSE, it’s an interview!

Dating is an interview designed to assist two people in assessing if they are compatible enough to enjoy life elements together. I say, ‘Life Elements’, because everyone has different requirements and expectations. For example, one person may think his/her date is compatible enough for a one-night stand only, while the other person may be looking at his/her date as ‘long-term commitment’ material. I have been on both sides of that table and if you have been in the dating arena long enough, then so have you. The trick is finding someone who possesses the same expectations. Oftentimes there is a misalignment of expectations, which is okay; however, the discord in dating happens when one or both parties is dishonest about his/her expectations.

As a job candidate, would you go to a job interview and lie to a potential employer about your job skills, about your ability to fulfill your job duties? Maybe you would, but then that would be considered unethical.

As an employer, would you lie to a job candidate regarding expected job duties? Maybe you would, but then that would be considered unethical.

The problem in dating is that most-times there is no long-term punitive incentive to be honest. Sure, your date can fire you, but the most you’ll suffer is a wounded ego, the loss of time spent, and a few dollars…if you are prone to traditional dating proclivities.

Why are humans dishonest in the dating game? Why do humans lie about who they are? It is the element of time-share and emotional vulnerability that makes dating difficult.

At your workplace, which is 8-10 hours of the day, you are on your best behavior, you are focused on your job duties, and your human interactions are centered on your job duties. (For those people who are incapable of being on their best behavior at work, I shudder to think what their family and romantic relationships are like.)

However, in dating, the focus is on your personal well-being, on your self-identity aka ‘vulnerability’, and on all your time not spent at work. All this EXTRA equates to shared intimacy, which is much more complex than your day job (which is why many people in intimate relationships do not want to go home and prefer to stay longer at work).

Oftentimes, fear of rejection is the dominant motivator for dating behavior. Fear of what rejection? It could be fear of not getting laid, or fear of not being perceived as attractive, or fear of being alone on your life journey. If all you are looking for is to get laid, then your obstacles are few, but if you’re looking for a long-term partner to assist in the procurement of your life goals (e.g. financial wealth, children, a caretaker), then you have a never-ending obstacle course of land mines in front of you.

If humans were honest and forthcoming in the dating process, then relationship building would be easy, because having set expectations provides a roadmap for relationship success; however, most humans lack self-confidence, so they become falsely agreeable to get what they think they want, only for you both to find out later in the relationship — as the lies unravel — that what you wanted was what your date is incapable of providing.

Yes, dating is a mutual job interview, but only the cognizant participants will fully benefit from the interactive experience.

To consider dating on a spectrum…At best, dating can enable a mutually beneficial, long-term, intimate partnership. At worst, dating is a parasitic ritual that ends in tragedy. And then there are all the levels and shades in-between.